A few years ago, when I was taking my son to a birthday party at Luna Park. It was hosted in a vintage tram, and me loving those old trams, I still remember it well. “Tilly” was turning 5. I walked around Luna Park with my youngest son, and at one point my eyes caught the vision of an older man, hair fully white with who presumably was his grandson. They were elevated in the shared seat of a ride that was turning rather gently. I can’t remember if it was flying ladybugs or elephants, but you get the gist – Luna Park! What I do remember is looking at the joy on both faces of the old man and his grandson as they gently floated through the air. He was looking at him with such a peaceful and satisfied expression on his face, and his grandson looking back and around, mesmerised by the ride and seeming to have such a strong bond to his grandad.
I never had a relationship with my grandparents. They died when I was young plus we moved to Australia. Perhaps that’s why I was drawn to the vision, and it etched itself into my memory. At any rate, seeing this pair made me stop and I thought about how I’d like to be as a grandparent. Loving. A shoulder to turn to. Fun. Kind. Just like the old man at Luna Park. At that brief encounter, little did he know he became my role model.
The question is though, is that the norm? Do we really get more “peaceful” with age? After all – all that life experience and wisdom. My observation as a GP and someone who is an observer of life, is that it’s not the norm. And, that we actually tend to get more anxious over time.
From what I can see, these are three common themes -
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Relationships. Whether it’s with our kids or partner. Relationships that just didn’t go to plan one way or another haunt us. Not uncommonly people live together, as husband and wife, “till death do us part”, when actual fact it is the case that they’re secretly waiting for the day “till death do us part”. That’s not an easy way to live. Same goes with strained relationships with adult children. In a mild case, there could just be a personality mismatch. And in others, it can be much more severe. There are plenty of adult children frankly abusing their elderly parents, forcing themselves into their homes, claiming their cars as their own. All these things are sadly common. And yet a mother’s love, any parent's guilt that “we raised him/her” can make situations with children be filled with complexity.
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Health anxiety. At some point, if you ever have major health issues, it impacts on your nerves. And the next time you get pain, or short of breath, you’re sensitised and primed to think the worst. Furthermore, it’s often not talked about, seemingly taboo, that the thought of death and one’s own mortality comes up, sometimes daily for a person as they age. That’s understandable. Whether a person sees a doctor, or lives in a best effort of denial, health anxiety can cause ongoing tension.
- Childhood imprinting. As we age, it tends to be that we reflect more on our childhood. Perhaps even in our middle years when we’re busy running around making a life. At some point, we get that chance to reflect and make sense of our life. How it all happened. And that time, for many it clicks together exactly how impacting their childhood had been on their entire life. Whether that featured abuse, trauma, neglect. Their position in the family and other dynamics. Whether they felt loved by their parents or not. It comes back to roost – with intensity. At one level, this understanding, correctly handled can be consoling. At another, it fuels a rumination as they realise how much it affected them and they need to unpack that.
So what can be done?
Commonly and correctly there’s the option of seeing a psychologist and considering medication. In this article, for now – here’s my two bobs –
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Use humour. When it comes to thoughts or habits you’re trying to change, sure, try to change them, but along the way always build the ability to laugh at yourself. So you had to triple check that the front door was closed – laugh at yourself and it. Don’t try to fight it. It’s the greatest weapon against anything you’re trying to change about yourself, to laugh at yourself. That’s the most likely way to diminish the power of an obtrusive or unwanted thought. Being rational, trying to deny the thought is akin to a wind in the bushfire, it only stokes the flames. Learn to laugh at yourself and counter-intuitively you’re more likely to gain control and change your behaviour.
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Open up. Any problem you have, is generally many magnitudes worse if you feel isolated in it. Sometimes people feel like they “don’t want to be a burden on anyone”. That’s understandable. And yet, the reality is, as humans, we need each other. That’s natural. And if you have some people in your life, anyone, to share your journey, your trials and tribulations, that’s helpful. That’s being human. Perhaps this is an old friend or your partner. The butcher. That nice person at the bowling club. Whoever. Have a yarn. Feeling isolated is really painful. For all of us.
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Consider the gap and the gain. At any one moment in life, in front of us stands a gap comprising our goals, ideals. What lays ahead. They say anxiety exists in the future this way. That tension of what’s going to happen next. By contrast, behind where we stand today is our past. Let’s call that the gain. What we’ve actually done. All that we’ve been through, and that we’ve lived. When you stand still, it’s good to take stock of the gain as much as acknowledge the gap. The point being, we should acknowledge our efforts in life, our gain. Of course, for some of us – again, we have regrets and that’s when it’s helpful to learn to…
- Reframe the past. The past is a funny thing since the details of what actually happened we can only try to remember. That’s to say, if we look at it that way, it’s our present state of mind that determines the past, since we need to rely on our memory and perception of things, rather than the actual thing. To cut to the chase, our past therefore actually depends on our present. And that’s very powerful, because if we need to move on, then we need to learn to reframe past events into the light of understanding that allows us to move forward in the present. There’s no use in holding onto things.
So that’s my two bobs!
I’ll never know if that old man at Luna Park was truly and perfectly blissful as his face made out to be. On the balance of probabilities, I’ve come to think – probably not! Life’s a long road. As my dad used to always say “keep punching”. And I hope you find something in this article that helps you do just that :)